I am sure, I am not the only one that when I comes to being in a conversation where I feel like I am being challenged that it can be one of the hardest thing to just relax into and allow God to work. Well last night was one of those nights for me. I was at a girls craft night. (If you don't go to one or have a weekly time to get together with other women, I encourage you to do so... awesome!) Five of us ladies got into quite a few different conversations about parenting.
I am in such a raw place in parenting right now where pretty much a good portion of the day I think to myself... "man I feel like a crappy mom." Now I know that I have been in a short season of the joys of first trimester (x2 due to the miscarriage in Dec.) and that the cloud of exhaustion will lift at some point. But I still feel... again RAW.
It seems that in times of weakness when you feel a lack of confidence in an area where you are usually confident, God sends you another reminder that it takes more than just functioning on your own will and understanding of how to do things. I know God is not a cruel God.. goes against His very nature. But sometimes it's like... really now.. when I feel like everything is in chaos? WHY? Well here's my personal reminder. Life rarely works well on pushing through things with your head buried in the sand. Barreling through with either a stubborn determination or ommitance of personal choice in a circumstance or stage. So yes I guess it sometimes takes the place of humility for God to get your attention.
HUMILITY... yup that is where I am at.
Back to the challenging conversation. I don't think it was necessarily specific details or opinions on a topic. It was more of a reminder of how much I HATE the idea of coasting... but here I am in the middle of coasting through such vital development stages of my kids. UGH!! I hate having to admit that! GROSS!
Here's what I know. I hate coasting. I am coasting. I need to do something about it. I am going to do something about it. I am going to go back again to the drawing board. Not at the same starting point but at a new point with more wisdom, more support and more tools to do life well. To parent well.
Not that I ever feel like I will have "arrived" at any point, I sit here thankful. Thankful that I see God working in my life and through others speaking into my life. I know I am a good mom and I am truly working hard at being a better mom. I am also sooo thankful to be surrounded by good moms who are working hard at being better moms.
Day by day, step by step. God will help me to do this thing called motherhood well.