Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My journey with infertility… God’s sovereignty and perfect timing. By Brieanne Robson

Infertility has been on my heart for years to blog about. But I know that it is an area where I have no credibility to touch on or know how to encourage. Difficulties getting pregnant is something that is no longer uncommon. With that in mind it's been a slow careful process to decide whether to ask a friend if she would be able to dive into a topic that is dear to the core of womanhood.  I have waited over a year and a half to ask, until recently I was challenged with the topic.  Prayerfully I asked a friend of mine who is living this reality day by day. Although I can see that her heart ache is real. I also see a strength that goes beyond my understanding. And a reliance on God that even though she may not feel it at times, knows without a shadow of a doubt that God loves her and has plans to see her family prosper. Her testimony is absolutely incredible.

Brie your courage to write about this has brought me to tears. I pray huge blessings for you and your beautiful family.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God never brings pain and heartache into our lives. But he can turn what was made to bring us down into a powerful story of His overwhelming faithfulness.


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My journey with infertility… God’s sovereignty and perfect timing.
 By Brieanne Robson



Hey, I’m Brie! A long time friend of Adam & Nicole’s. When Nic asked me to write something about my journey with infertility, I was honored that she thought of me to share and hopefully inspire her readers. I told her I’d whip something up and send it to her within the week, and I meant to, but I didn’t end up writing a word until tonight. It’s been 3 weeks. Even though I am the very proud Momma to a 4 year old beauty, my emotions still get the better of me when I hear pregnancy announcements. It’s funny (but not really) that those announcements still have a major effect on me. I can be truly happy for my pregnant friends, but my heart still aches for me and for the babies I wish I had.

Chad & I married on October 28th, 2000. We were 19 & 21 years old. We started trying for a family a month before our 1st anniversary, in September 2001. I remember being so excited and hopeful. I had everything planned out perfectly and expected things to fall into alignment with my plan. I was going to have 4 babies by the time I was 25, and then we’d be this perfect cookie cutter family. I had 5 years to accomplish my plan, and didn’t ever think that it wouldn’t happen. We even had a crib set up in our spare room, because we were so sure things were going to work out. I remember a woman from our church saying to me one day that couples should take at least 5 years to get know each other and to build a solid marital foundation before having kids. I actually laughed in her face, and told her that no, we were going to have kids right away. I thought she was nuts to think that I would wait 5 years for my family to begin. You know how you can want something so badly but you don’t see that it completely consumes you? Chad & I continued trying, determined that the plan was going to work for us.
Do you see the problem? I was focused on MY plan. I prayed and asked God for His will, but ultimately I was telling God what was going to happen, and I didn’t actually leave room for Him to do His will. It was a hard lesson to learn, and it’s something that even now I have to remember to give over to God when the “why me” and “it’s not fair” attitude creeps in.
We tried for 5 & 1/2 years to get pregnant. Back in 2002, after a year had gone by, we saw a specialist who told me that I have PCOS (google it if you want the details). It was the reason for our infertility. Infertility- what a nasty word. For 4 years my diagnosis played a huge part in my life. My emotions were crazy, and at times I went to really dark places while struggling with reality. My plan was so set, and it was hard to give it to God and to let go of what I wanted. Especially when friends got pregnant one by one, without struggle. Chad & I grew together and pressed through, riding the roller coaster of infertility year after year. In 2005 we got onto an adoption list, but after a year nothing had happened. We hadn’t even moved up 1 space in line. We went to a fostering information meeting, thinking maybe that was the route for us, but it didn’t feel right at all. We had no peace to continue in that direction, and we always said that unless God’s peace was in our hearts, we wouldn’t go forward. In 2006 we were introduced to another specialist, and he got us into a fertility clinic. We had no idea those even existed up until then! We tried a pill called Clomid for 6 months and it didn’t do anything except give me nastier mood swings. My poor husband! Haha We then moved on to the next step which is IUI (Intra-uterine insemination… you can google that, too). It was much more invasive, harder on my body, and cost a lot more money. The 1st month was perfect on paper but didn’t work. The 2nd round had to be shut down because of the way my body reacted to the medicines. The 3rd round was decent on paper but didn’t work. At that point we were actually going to give up because money had run out. That was also when my Dad had an aortic aneurysm and my family life was turned upside down for a while. A lot of my time at spent at the hospital with my Mom, and I thought we’d save up a year for IVF (In-vitro fertilization… the step after IUI) but God gave me a clear dream one night, that if we tried 1 more time it would work. I woke up, told Chad about it, and we called the clinic to see what could be done to help us financially. The clinic nurse gave us the number of a couple who weren’t going to use their unopened IUI medicines, and they sold it to us for less than ½ the price that the clinic charges. It was a miracle! There was so much chaos going on at that time with my Dad, being at the hospital with my Mom so much of the time, and going back & forth to the clinic for IUI treatments. Yet every step throughout that cycle felt right. We had God’s peace, and I just KNEW that it was finally time. After the IUI process was done (it was March 27th, 2007), there’s the dreaded 2 week wait to find out if it worked or not. 9 months had gone by with the clinic, and for 9 months all I heard were negative results.
My pastor preached this sermon about waiting, in early April 2007. It really hit me, because I was in a time of literal waiting. Waiting to be a Mom, and more specifically I was waiting during those 2 weeks before my blood test to see if the IUI had worked. My pastor shared this scripture from Habakkuk 2:3 “
For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” He said that even if you’ve been waiting for something for a long time, there is a perfect timing for it, and when the time is right it will come and not delay. Another friend gave me the verse from Psalm 113:9 “He settles the barren woman in her home, as the happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!” I had person after person speak words of life over me, and encourage me that the time was coming.


The morning of April 12th, 2007, and I was watching “Facing The Giants” in bed. Bawling with the couple in the movie that couldn’t conceive. When the clinic nurse called me with my blood results, she said, “Brieanne, you’re pregnant!” I freaked my freak, crying hysterically into the phone. The clinic nurse cried with me. Then I went on a calling frenzy to tell everyone important in my life at the time. Chad was at work, so I called him there. My parents were still in the hospital where Dad was recovering, so I called there. I called my grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins, church, best friends… it was a hours of crying and celebrating with people who had been praying for me for so many years.
Experiencing pregnancy was such a gift. I would love to experience it 3 more times, but if I never get to again, at least I had those months.
2 days after my beauty was born, I wrote this journal entry: “December 18th 2007. My life has changed. The baby I have longed for over 5.5 years and then felt growing inside of me for the past 9 months, is here. I am so thankful for her. I am so thankful for having had the experience of pregnancy after years of not knowing if we ever would and being told our odds were slim. God's timing is absolutely perfect. It was perfect even though we struggled with infertility for so long without her. Thank you God for Your timing. The most amazing thing is that even though my heart still knows the pains of infertility full well, it doesn't feel like we waited for 5.5 years anymore. As soon as my baby girl came out of me and into the world, that feeling of having waited for so long wasn't there anymore. Not in the slightest way. God's timing- plain and simple. Johanna Grace was born on Sunday, December 16th @ 4:03am. She was 7lbs, and is 20.5 inches long. She has long feet & toes, and long fingers. She has Chad's eyes, my nose & lips, and dark brown hair like both Chad's & mine. It has some curl to it as well! Hopefully that will stay. She makes the most beautiful little noises, and can scream like her momma when she's frustrated or upset. I love her.”
Today our daughter is 4 years & 4.5 months old. She’s in JK at the school around the corner, and she is so smart. She’s funny, joyful, sings constantly, loves being barefoot, and is excellent at sharing. A year ago she asked Jesus to live in her heart, and it’s been so cool to watch her learn about God and to try hard to be an example to others. Even though we have Johanna, and are deeply thankful for her, the longing for more babies is still very much in our hearts. We’ve been trying again since February 2008, and nothing has happened. It’s been 4 years now. Last summer we went back to the fertility clinic, but it didn’t work out for us. There were some issues, and although I could very easily place blame on them, I don’t. The peace wasn’t there. I learned the lesson years ago that God’s timing is best, and that His plan is better than mine. We’ve been praying and waiting things out, asking God to heal my body so that I conceive naturally. It’s been hard having Johanna ask for siblings, seeing her friends get them, and she’s still an only child. But we remind her and ourselves that God’s plan is the best, and He knows what our family needs and how many of us there will be in it.
Remember my plan? I was going to have 4 babies by the time I was 25. Well I didn’t get pregnant until I was 25. I said I’d never wait 5 years before starting my family and ended up waiting 6.5 years by the time Johanna was born. I said I’d never have a December baby because it’s too close to Christmas and isn’t fair to the kid. I ended up having a March-December pregnancy, and my daughter’s birthday is 9 days before Christmas. It’s such a reminder to me that my plans aren’t God’s plans. His will for my life is so much greater and so much better than anything I could pick out for myself. It’s a daily choice to live in God’s peace, knowing His will is perfect. When I was trying before Johanna came, the word SOVEREIGN jumped off a magazine page at me, and really spoke to my heart. God is sovereign. I cut the word out and taped it to my computer screen. It’s still here, almost 6 years later. I still look at that word and remind myself that God is in control and He decides my future.

I encourage you, whoever you are, to remember that throughout your life and your struggles, God is sovereign. God is in control. You can live in the chaos of emotions and circumstance, or you can press into God and be in His peace. I admitted in the beginning of this blog entry that after Nicole asked me to do this I couldn’t write anything for 3 weeks, because a recent pregnancy announcement had shaken me up emotionally. Putting my mind & heart in check with God is key. It’s something we all have to do. Choosing to believe in His perfect plan, even when it’s hard. If you’re struggling with infertility, just know that you aren’t forgotten by God. You aren’t alone in your journey. Don’t be controlled by the plan you set out for yourself. Instead, allow God to show you His plan. It might not be easy, but surrendering your will to God is so important. It’s something we did before Johanna, and something we’re continuing to do since she came 4 years ago. God’s timing is perfect. I’m a firm believer that there is a reason and a season for everything. Give your desires and your plans over to God today. Ask Him to soften your heart to let go and let Him lead. Ephesians 3:20 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
God bless you all.
xoBrie*

7 comments:

  1. Elaine Peister: Such a beautiful story of God's plan for us. We must trust that HE knows what should be...and it will be. I pray for Brie and hope she finds the answers that will leave her heart in peace ♥ ♥

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  2. Flavia Sargeant: Thank you Nicole, for the gift of your blog, and to all the lovely women of God who contribute to it...I loved reading out of Brie's heart, this was beautiful and a great testimony to what God can do and always will do in our lives when we yield to His good and perfect will...much love

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  3. Diana Wilhelm: What an amazing testimony .....how can you not tear up seeing your pictures with your gorgeous little family Brie what a blessing ♥

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  4. Linda Peister Brodrecht: Brie's love for God & family is glowingly evident in her words & her face. What a privilege it has been to watch her mature into such a compassionate & inspiring young woman! Love you Brie!! ♥

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  5. Oh Brie, thank you soo much for sharing. You are such a beautiful woman, inside and out. I cried at the part where you called everyone to announce your pregnancy, reliving that amazing moment when I almost drove my car off the road cause I was screaming and crying, hehe. Love you babe!!!! -Hannah

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  6. Thank u so much Nicole for an amazing blog. Thanks Brie for sharing ur good fight of faith. God bless you & ur family. Thank u for the encouraging words. Habakkuk2:3 instilled Hope in me. Thank u. NICOLE KEEP ON WRITING BLOGS,YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT IS BEEN A MOTIVATION FOR WOMEN LIKE ME.

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