Wednesday, June 20, 2012

"Get Kids to Listen without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling" - Recap

Last night a handful of ladies and I sat down to watch (my first ever) webinar on parenting. It was sooo good. Lots of great key principles to keep in mind. Some vital reminders and an amazing time sitting and chatting as mom's about specific issues and situations. I got feedback from a couple different people that they would appreciate some notes from the night and figured what a better place then on here. :)

Here we go...

Get Kids to Listen with out Nagging, Reminding or Yelling
presented by Amy McCready

The Vicious Cycle: ask, repeat, remind, repeat, remind... Explode

Why do kids really misbehave?
Adlerian Psychology & Positive Discipline…
A child’s primary goal is to achieve belonging and significance.

Belonging:
• Emotionally connected (parents,siblings, peers, etc.)
• Have sufficient POSITIVE attention
Every child has an attention basket that needs to be filled. We are hard-wired for a driving need for positive attention. Kids WILL continue to get your attention from doing what works for them.

Significance:
• I am capable
• I make a difference
• I contribute in meaningful ways.
Have you're kids help in age appropriate areas around the house. Sweeping, helping make the dinner salad. Making the juice. That allows the children feel capable and like they are contributing to the family.

• I have personal POWER.
There is also a "power basket." Children need to feel like they have some control over their own life. Allow them to have age appropriate power.
The child is really saying:

“I want to belong and feel significant, but I

don’t know how to do it.”
You will find most of your conflicts in power struggles in these areas: Tantrums, back talk, attitude, homework, chores, mealtime, bedtime, potty time. All of these struggles show a key core issue of them not receiving valued moments of  Belonging, Significance and Power.

Consequences ≠ Punishment
Is there a difference between consequences and punishment? You bet! See the differences and learn why consequences are the best way to train kids to make better choices in the future.
A Positive Discipline (viewpoint) definition of “Punishment”
• Blame
• Shame
• Pain
This tactic of parenting punishment is not effective for long term behaviour change. It causes children to withdraw. Encourages lying and creates a defensive mode in them. The final outcome is the child's focus is not on changing the action but on the anger created towards you, now the "BadGuy."
 Punishment encourages LYING
“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that we could make kids DO BETTER by making them FEEL WORSE?”  --Jane Nelsen, Ph.D.
Consequences are effective when:
• The child learns to make a better choice in the future, and…
• The parent isn’t the bad guy
Remember IT'S NEVER TOO LATE!!!!!
5 R’s of Fair & Effective Consequences
5 R’s of Effective Consequences
RESPECTFUL - calm and respectful voice(or they shut down)
RELATED - makes the connection from the problem to the consequence (eg. didn't brush teeth=no sweets)
REASONABLE - (4years 1 day; 14years 1 week)
REVEALED IN ADVANCE - so the child can make a choice "I am sure we wont have an issue with this, but if you choose not to...."
REPEAT BACK TO YOU - the child repeats the consequence if they don't listen back to you as a verbal agreement.
*Adapted from Jane Nelsen, Ph.D. & H. Stephen Glenn
If the child makes a poor choice, don’t “blame, shame or pain” him.  Implement the consequence with dignity…
“I see you chose to lose your video privileges. I have confidence you’ll make a better choice next time.”
Remember no "Piggybacking" – an “I told you so” attitude or remark; adds blame shame and pain and directs the anger back to the parent
"I've noticed(key word when addressing an issue!)that we have been having an issue with..." State concern or problem."In the future I expect that..."
What if…
…I didn’t think to reveal the consequence because I didn’t expect the behavior to happen.  Now what? If it's a new issue, the best is to talk about it then let it go with out a consequence, revealing what will happen if it occurs again, then have them repeat the consequence.
Help!  I can’t think of a good consequence!
Consequences are only 10-15% of correcting behavior!
Keys for Success
Follow these important guidelines for consequences so your children learn to make better choices in the future and YOU don’t end up the bad guy!
·        Focus more on fostering belonging and significance and you’ll need consequences less often.
·        Without the 5 R’s, it feels like punishment to your child.  (And  you’ll end up being the bad guy!)
·        Use your calm voice. Use sticky notes around the house to have visual reminders for you and the kids. (tv. rules and consequences)
·         Don’t repeat or remind.  Say it once. No second chances.
·         Follow through with dignity.
·         Ignore meltdowns, fussing or negotiating.

The vision...
"You can't even remember the last time you raised your voice."

For more information on this webinar and others that you can order,
      Coupon Code:  realfood10
Important – use this link to get free upgrade:
Questions: info@PositiveParentingSolutions.com
If anyone has more tips that they learned from the webinar please feel free to comment and include what were some key points that really popped out to you!!!!

http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/



6 comments:

  1. Kristin: I don't have kid yet, but I read it anyways to tuck in my memory for later; :) This is great stuff!

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  2. Karen: I wish I could have made it! Sounds like an amazing evening!! Thanks for posting this Nicole... Your notes are a huge insight into where changes can be made!

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  3. Ruth: Yeah....send them to a babysitter....then you don't have to nag..yell or remind!!!! Hahahahahahah.....just kidding!!!!!!

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    1. O my goodness... well that would help with many of those issues. ;)

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  4. Christine: Thanks for sharing I am having a hard time with little missy here and this helped

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  5. I've been having a hard time for a long time with my soon to be 5yr old son. He's starting school in the fall and I don't want his behavior to get in the way at school. I hope this helps! Thanks for the info.

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