Monday, August 20, 2012

Lost in Despair - by Dawn Ward

It is a pleasure for me to introduce you all to Dawn Ward. A passionate loving woman who's humility seems to stop me in my tracts often. She continues to amaze with how she is willing to consistently  re-evaluate where her relationship with God is at and re-focus her life to make sure she is serving God with all of her mind, body and soul. I was planning on writing a list of all the things that I have seen Dawn involved in. But, I believe beyond all the success and impact she has had as a woman the area that I am most in awe of is who she is as a mother!!! Her driving desire to see her children succeed and experience the same beautiful relationship with God is such an inspiration to me!!!

Blessings to you Dawn for taking the time out of your life to put this spirit filled blog together. Again your raw and real heart is displayed so beautifully to inspire all those who are around you!!!! Lots of love and prayers your way as you continue to step into all the blessing that God has paved for you and your family to enjoy!!! Through the trials and the blessing God clearly shows His faithfulness in you and your family!!!


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Lost in Despair
by Dawn Ward

I’m sitting here, lost in despair (despair: to lose all hope or confidence, lose heart), looking at the bottle of pills on the coffee table that says “Do not exceed 6 in 24 hours” and wondering how many it will take to take me away from the despair…why? Because I don’t know how to crochet. That’s right; I don’t know how to crochet. Don’t all real grandmas know how to crochet? I don’t measure up. I’m not good enough. It’s real, the pain I feel; the attack for my hope.

Not only that, I should have gone to college or university instead of Youth With a Mission and Bible school. I shouldn’t have homeschooled, I should have worked and bought a house then had children, and I should have worked instead of being a stay home mom. My family looks different than other families that look so perfect… I wish I had natural childbirth…after all real faith women have natural childbirth not cesareans. Nothing fits right because my twins weighing in at 8lbs 4oz and 7lbs 14oz left me with a pretty flabby tummy. No one wants to be your friend because you’re boring and have a small house. You’re getting too old to lead worship. These may seem like trivial things but despair often starts with the little things to get you away from His truth. It can tear at your heart. It comes from all directions.

I wish I could say this battle with despair was many years ago, but it was yesterday, it was today and it will be tomorrow. The despair has lessened as I’m learning to recognize the voice of deception and fight back quicker but the battle for our hope and joy will go on. That sounds like a negative confession and it would say that the enemy is stronger than God but not so. But when the lying voice comes with true facts it can be hard to fight back.

Fight back? How in the world do you fight back when the deceiver is deceiving with his lies? With absolute higher truth. What truth? The truth that Christ is in me, my hope of glory! The truth that He is so in love with me that He has no expectations of me, because He came to love me first and He knew that love would draw me to Himself so that He could hold me. He’s not drawing me to Himself to condemn me and tell me I don’t make the cut. He’s drawing me to Himself to lavish me with love, to heal me, to strengthen me from deep within. It’s this love that will fight for me. His love is truth! His love destroys the lies! We have to experience His love daily. It is necessary. Yes, we deeply need to feel His presence. In His presence is fullness of joy, pleasures forevermore. He wants us to enjoy Him. He enjoys being with us. Yes, He wants us to walk by faith that He is with us and not by sight but that simply means we believe He loves us and His Word is truth no matter what our circumstances scream. Come to His Word of truth, worship and feel the goose bumps (His presence) for it’s in acknowledging His presence that His presence will manifest and in that place our hearts are open to His healing touch. Sing at the top of your lungs, cry as His Spirit pours over you, and let Him in. Receive the kiss from heaven.

It took me 3 days after Ariana was born to wake up to truth and let the voice of my Father in heaven speak and tell me it’s ok and that I had a beautiful red haired gift from God in my arms and that that truth superseded how she entered the world. He didn’t judge me for my birthing performance.

My flabby tummy is a reminder to me that God gave me two beautiful, healthy girls and two healthy, huge baby boys.

My family will never look like your family but I rejoice that my God has made each one of my children (this includes the sweet spouses) and grandchildren unique and His own and wraps them in His love. He is well able to complete the work He has begun in us!



I don’t know how to crochet (I’m open to lessons and thank you so much to Nicole for the beautiful little crochet hats for my grand daughter) but this grandma has been anointed to preach the gospel to the prisoner, sing the gospel of His grace and love and lead others to His throne of love and grace, love her husband and family without reservation and the world beyond her comfort zone with the power of Christ’s love that dwells in and rests upon her! The things I do are not what make me good, acceptable or successful…it’s His life in me. I’m loved; I’m accepted whether I perform or not. Just like I love my new little grand daughter and can’t stand to be away from her, who hasn’t done anything but be born, …He just loves me but even more. WOW!



 Despair, you can not stand in the presence of the highest truth! You must bow your knee! His love fights for me! He is love and His love is coming after us like a hurricane and like a warm, cozy blanket! So take heart! I am!




2 comments:

  1. That was beautiful! And just for the record, I think my mom is one of the best grandmas in the whole world! Crocheting or not. ;) Breanne does too!

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  2. Thankyou for sharing your life experience Dawn. You have a lovely family and new grand baby. Each of us are treasures that God has created special and original. I am thankful that we are not all created the same. God is an artist who uses many colors and textures to create his works of art. You are special! By the way I also do not know how to crochet ♥

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