Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Positive Parenting Solutions - mini recap from June 27th 2013



Well are you ready for the recap from the parenting webinar from a couple weeks ago!!!


If you need a quick refresher from the last webinar check out the recap here:
http://motheroffivelittleladies.blogspot.ca/2012/06/getting-kis-to-listen-without-nagging.html



I will only be touching on a couple things that popped out to me for this one!!!



There are three popular parenting strategies that are widely used that typically escalate misbehavior. 


1. Time out: 

  • strong willed children see times outs often as a challenge
  • it becomes the parents job to keep the child in the time out
2.  1,2,3: 
  • this method trains the child not to respond right away
  • trains them that we are not serious until we start counting when our desire is for them to listen the first time.
3. Rewards:
  • the more we reward for obedience the more it fosters a `what`s in it for me` mentality
  • the interest will actually decrease to listen the more we use this method because we are training them to be externally motivated not internally motivated.
  • they are more likely to become externally motivated adults. 

So being a mother that uses time outs as one of my consistent go to`s this was difficult to hear. 

What should we do instead...

Parenting Solutions suggests a tool called

WHEN - THEN
(This tool has been hailed as `magical`in it`s effectiveness!!)
Why does this work

It delays or denies a privilege (Y) until (X) is done. 
This tool is used in those situations when you need an action to be taken.

Important Points:
  • Be sure to emphasize the WHEN and THEN. (When - pause.... you pick up your toys, Then - pause... you may play outside)
  • The privilege must be something the child cares about, and is something that is a regular occurring privilege during the day (movie time, playing outside, playing with toys: not a reward like cookies, candies, treats) A privilege is something that you can control the order in which it can be enjoyed. 
  • After the When - Then, you must walk away - DISENGAGE (do not become an audience or a hover-er to demand that they listen
Walking away says:
  • I`m not going to argue or negotiate.
  • I am complete faith you`ll get it done.
  • Allows the child to ``save face`` and still do what you`ve asked.
CAUTION!!
  • It`s not IF - THEN : it is WHEN-THEN
  • Don`t give 2nd chances or reminders (it only reinforces you`re not serious!)
  • Stay firm. Follow through with dignity.
  • Ignore meltdowns, fussy and negotiating

So some examples would be:

Tyler WHEN you pick up your cars, THEN you may watch Backyardigans.

Sophie WHEN you clear off your place setting THEN you may play outside.

Susan WHEN you put away your laundry, THEN you may have computer time.


If there is no follow through there is no privilege! 


So everyone...
there you have a new tool in the bag to try out and see if it works. REMEMBER whenever trying anything... consistency is the KEY!!! If we don`t follow through... we confirm that we are not serious and then the issues continue!!


Blessings momma`s have a fantastic week!!!

Lots of love 
Nicole

3 comments:

  1. Hi Nicole I really like this post... I'm about to be a first-time mama and love this info! I was wondering what is your take on parent-led schedules (ie. Baby Wise) vs. feeding on demand? I've heard conflicting info and I'd like to hear from a seasoned mama... as you are on Baby #6 it's safe to say you're an expert on pregnancy/babies :)

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    Replies
    1. HI Kristin!!! Again a HUGE HUGE congrats on the baby to come!!! How incredibly exciting!!!! To be honest... I have just rolled with the punches. I have always been a more child dictated baby stage. (Emphasis on the BABY STAGE!!!) Nursing when they needed it and then just watching for the cues for when they are tired for bed times. After they are a few weeks old... I transition to scheduled nap times... where I put them to bed awake and with full tummies. Now... I have also never had a baby to sleep through the night till they were around 1. SOOOOO that being said.... I have heard incredible things about baby wise and know a few moms who swear by it and it really worked for them!!! You have to be fairly rigid from what I could tell though about their schedules... and that was something that Adam and I preferred not having to do... we liked the option of being able to be out and about and it not to throw the baby off! If you like I can send you a name of a mom who did Baby wise to the T and absolutely swears by it!

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  2. Very informative post. The When-Then tool lets the child know what is going to happen.

    Kelly Brown
    http://www.betterparentingsolutions.com

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